I have asked many times why Amy died. I’m not asking how she died, her stillbirth was one of the 50% that are unexplained. I want to know why.
Mary-Lou particularly has battled with the idea that Amy died because of something she did or didn’t do. No matter how much doctors, midwives and friends reassure her that she didn’t cause Amy’s stillbirth, she still wonders. All she wants is for God himself to tell her that it wasn’t her fault, but he hasn’t.
I knew this was a broken world long before Amy died. I grew up in an evangelical family and was aware that bad things happen to good people as a result of The Fall. I also believed that God was totally good, and this confused me a bit. But I had never experienced any major suffering to have to really figure it out, it was just another confusing tension which I could easily put to the back of my mind. I was also aware of my own sins and pride and never believed that I was one of those good people who didn’t deserve bad things.
When we suffer pain, or a loss, we humans often question why it has happened to us. I wondered whether Amy died as a punishment to me. I couldn’t think of a single sin that might have caused the punishment, afterall, there are many to choose from.
I have also been angry with God and wanted to blame him. WTF was he doing when she died? I believe he had the power to save her, so why, why, why didn’t he?
Reading “Where Is God When It Hurts” recently helped me think through the idea that Amy died as a punishment to me. Philip Yancey points to Job and Jesus to show that it is not a valid conclusion.
Job was blameless, that’s why Satan wanted to ruin him to prove to God that mankind will only freely love him whenthings are good. So Jobs suffering was not because he deserved it or as a punishment and even though Jobs friends urged him to repent of whatever sin broughthim his suffering, he disagreed that this was the reason and still chose to love and honour God.
Then there was Jesus who relieved many individuals of their suffering put never inflicted pain or suffering as a punishment. If God regularly punishes people, you’d have thought Jesus would have broken a few bones!
There are of course plenty of examples of God punishing Israel and others (after repeated warnings) but Yancey argues that this is not how God operates this side of Jesus.
Great. For me. But non of this helps Mary-Lou who is desperate to hear God tell her it wasn’t her fault.
Posted 11 months, 1 week ago at 7:11 pm. 0 comments
I am currently reading Philip Yancey’s book “Where Is God When It Hurts“. I had to buy it after asking my friends if anyone had a copy. I was fairly suprised that no-one had the book, but it’s probably quite telling about Western Evangelical Christianity.
I’m definitely finding the book interesting but so far it has been about physical pain rather than emotional pain so I’ve not got alot out of it yet. But it got me thinking about pain differently. Philip Yancey suggests that pain is a wonderful example of God’s awesome creation - God created pain! The nervous system in each one of us protects us from further harm by detecting heat, cold, pressure, friction, etc. Pain is a warning system. He also suggests that fear, loneliness and guilt are good as they help us to make better decisions.
If all that is uncomfortable, read the book!
I started wondering about spiritual pain. If we are also spirits, can we suffer spiritual pain? What could cause spiritual pain? How would it feel? How would we describe it? Would there be another set of words?
When I picture what happened to me when Amy died I imagine myself being torn to pieces from the inside out. I’ve never been through such an emotional event before so I find it difficult to describe my feelings which makes it even harder to distinguish between my emotional pain and my spiritual pain.
All I know right now is that it’s very painful and confusing.
Posted 11 months, 2 weeks ago at 11:27 pm. 0 comments
When I was a teen I found self discipline fairly easy.
I never had a rebelious period in my youth. I put that down to the fact that when I was 14 I learned alot more about my heart condition and what God said to Mum & Dad during my first few weeks. It left me with a clear and strong sense of spiritual purpose and thinking that if God had both saved me physically when I was a baby and spiritually by dying on the cross, the least I could do is give him everything in return.
My zeal and determination with self-discipline was helped by great youth leaders and being challenged and inspired by books like “Celebration Of Discipline” by Richard Foster and “The Pursuit Of God” by A. W. Tozer.
Before Amy died I went on a made-up Soup diet to lose weight and I did well, I lost 1 1/2 stone in 6 weeks. Since finding out we’re pregnant again I committed to another diet with a friend, except we call this one a “lifestyle change”. Initially I lost quite a few pounds but then we both plateaued and over Christmas I put on some weight.
Even with the accountability of disciplining myself I’m finding I just can’t be bothered. I think I’m going through a wave of grief over losing Amy and that might be a factor. But frankly, I don’t care about disciplining my eating habits - it just doesn’t seem to matter.
Yet something tugs at me inside and tells me that I’m failing and it is important and I’m being childish and just sort yourself out and the tension makes me miserable.
If being undisciplined is not doing something you know it’s right to do (something the Bible says is sin), are we allowed to be undisciplined at times?
Posted 11 months, 2 weeks ago at 12:41 pm. 0 comments
When I read God’s Politics by Jim Wallis I became hopeful that there were American Christians who thought and spoke sense. It was great to read this challenge to the Church and to have it explained so intelligently and passionately. So I enjoyed this video of him on the fabulous Daily Show:
Christianity and Politics obviously conflict alot in America, but much less so in Britain. I have long rued the lack of voice the Church has in both Politics and the Media in Britain. By “Church” I don’t mean the institutional leaders, but the people themselves. The Church has not been speaking out loudly enough over the last 50 - 60 years about social and political issues for many reasons. One might be the rise of the individualistic gospel making faith more of a personal gain and private matter. Another might be the rise of the less needy middle class in the Church which does not have an understanding or proximity to the poor.
Whatever the reason, the Church has become more and more irrelevant to the general public and the number of Christians has declined drastically over the last few decades. Meanwhile, Politics has become more and more capitalist, keeping the poor poor and the rich richer.
But I have seen a rise in young Christians become more socially and politically engaged in this country and this makes me hopeful - both that this nation’s social ills can be corrected and that the Church could become more like who she was created to be.
Posted 11 months, 3 weeks ago at 11:33 pm. 0 comments
I very much enjoyed watching The Edukators this morning. It is a germna film about some young anti-capitalists who break into rich people’s homes and mess with the ornaments and furniture by rearranging them and pilling them on top of each other. They don’t steal anything, instead they just leave a note saying “Your Days Of Plenty Are Numbered”.
Mary-Lou and I have been thinking alot about our finances recently and about what our morals are regarding the poor. A friend who works with destitute asylum seekers recommended Shane Claiborne’s book “The Irrisistible Revolution” as the most challenging book he has ever read. Then he pointed me to this video:
Up until a year or so ago I used to obsess about the problems, injustices and dangers of the global economic system we live under. It often left me with a sense of hopelessness since I couldn’t see what I could do to change anything. Slowly (which is typical) it dawned on me that engaging locally would mean that I stood a chance to make some difference to some people rather than hopelessly doing nothing.
I’m still trying to figure out how to engage with the injustices I come across locally. We learnt recently that we live on the 7th poorest ward in the country - Moss Side, Manchester. Yet we comfortably live in our own house and have a disposable income each month. What should be our response to that fact?
Posted 11 months, 3 weeks ago at 11:17 pm. 0 comments
Mary-Lou and I were at our favourite restaurant on the Curry Mile this evening - Fatoosh. Over the speakers Damien Rice was singing and we agreed that his music was quite sad. I really liked what I was hearing, having never really heard his stuff, and wondered why there aren’t equally talented Christians writing this kind of sad, melancholic music.
I remembered listening to a CD of Peter Mayhew talking about the Lament in the Bible and noting that very few popular worship songs sung today are laments. Most of them are praise or adoration songs, often based on Psalms yet most of the Psalms were laments.
It dawned on me that many popular secular songs are laments talking about lost love, painful experiences or broken hearts.
I wondered whether God had broken my heart.
I feel that God has broken my heart by allowing Amy to die. He had the power to save her but didn’t resulting in all this pain and suffering I have felt, do feel and will feel. My heart for Amy was broken since I am not able to express my love for her to her int he million ways I wanted to. And my heart for God was broken since he didn’t stop something from happening which damaged me immensly.
He has allowed me to suffer and feel deep, aching pain, most of which I have yet to face and it has broken me and my heart, or love, for God.
When we suffer pain, or a loss, we humans often question why it has happened to us. I wondered whether Amy died as a punishment to me. I couldn’t think of a single sin that might have caused the punishment, afterall, there are many to choose from.
I started wondering about spiritual pain. If we are also spirits, can we suffer spiritual pain? What could cause spiritual pain? How would it feel? How would we describe it? Would there be another set of words?
Before Amy died I went on a made-up Soup diet to lose weight and I did well, I lost 1 1/2 stone in 6 weeks. Since finding out we’re pregnant again I committed to another diet with a friend, except we call this one a “lifestyle change”. Initially I lost quite a few pounds but then we both plateaued and over Christmas I put on some weight.
I very much enjoyed watching 
