Posted 10 months, 3 weeks ago at 6:03 pm. 1 comment
I recently came across a song by John Mayer called Stop This Train (lyrics here) which is beautiful.
I have listened to it over and over again over the last week or so, each time finding myself connect with his lyrics. It gives me a feeling of nostalgia and a longing for a different version of my life.
I finally expressed how I connected with the song to Mary-Lou last night when talking about feeling sad about losing Amy. If this is the train I’m on, the one where Amy has died, then yeah, stop this train because I want to be on the one where Amy didn’t die.
In his lyrics, John Mayer sings about the advice his Dad gives him. He says wait until you’re older, then you’ll realise that you can’t stop this train, you can’t change the place you’re in.
I really like the idea that age brings wisdom. I really loved the Proverbs about wisdom when I was younger. And perhaps I’ve idolised wisdom at points.
But if I’m to grow wise through losing Amy, I don’t want it. I want her.
Posted 11 months, 3 weeks ago at 11:17 pm. 0 comments
Mary-Lou and I were at our favourite restaurant on the Curry Mile this evening - Fatoosh. Over the speakers Damien Rice was singing and we agreed that his music was quite sad. I really liked what I was hearing, having never really heard his stuff, and wondered why there aren’t equally talented Christians writing this kind of sad, melancholic music.
I remembered listening to a CD of Peter Mayhew talking about the Lament in the Bible and noting that very few popular worship songs sung today are laments. Most of them are praise or adoration songs, often based on Psalms yet most of the Psalms were laments.
It dawned on me that many popular secular songs are laments talking about lost love, painful experiences or broken hearts.
I wondered whether God had broken my heart.
I feel that God has broken my heart by allowing Amy to die. He had the power to save her but didn’t resulting in all this pain and suffering I have felt, do feel and will feel. My heart for Amy was broken since I am not able to express my love for her to her int he million ways I wanted to. And my heart for God was broken since he didn’t stop something from happening which damaged me immensly.
He has allowed me to suffer and feel deep, aching pain, most of which I have yet to face and it has broken me and my heart, or love, for God.
How can you mend a broken heart?
